Match Week 1

Welcome back to a new season with FootyReMarcs where we take football as seriously as Alexander Isak takes playing for Newcastle.

You will notice there was no post for the last match week of last season, that's because I just ran out of steam like Casemiro running in a midfield. But we're back!

We have the Best of the Ham's champion from last season! See the league table below:

1. NottingHam Forest 18 points

2. FulHam15 points

3. TottenHam 11 points

4. West Ham 9 points

5. SouthHampton 2 points

This season we will keep a table on NewCastle, Crystal Palace, and Aston Villa in the Battle of the Buildings! If you have anything better let me know.

Just some housekeeping - these silly little posts will be sporadic throughout the season as and when I can get them out. Whilst being hilarious comes naturally, I do have a day job and a family. If you're reading this wife, there I said it, ok? Can I sleep in our bed again?

The bakers for the new series of The Great British Bake off have been announced and include a hairdresser, a medical student, and a premier league referee. Oh, wait, no it says here that the referee's a masturbator, NOT a master baker, got it, sorry.

Students around the UK rejoiced as they received their A Level results. Jesse Lingard proudly told us that he received A*'s in all his subjects. We wish the young lad the best, he has a bright future ahead of him.

"Skibidi”, “tradwife” and “delulu” are among the new words to have made this year’s Cambridge Dictionary. I have to admit I have zero idea of what these words mean, but I can imagine fans across the country shouting them at referees when a decision doesn't go their teams way. God, am I really this out of touch? This must be how Big Sam, Tony Pulis and Steve Bruce felt when Pep ball came to the Premier League.

What a return to the Premier League we had with goals, debuts, red cards and VAR controversy! Defending champions Liverpool mason mounted a late rally to beat a plucky Bournemouth, Sunderland impressed with a win over West Ham, and Arsenal held on to get a win at Old Trafford.

Premier league results below:

Friday 15th August

Liverpool 4 - 2 Bournemouth - Easy Chiesa

Saturday 16th August

Aston Villa 0 - 0 Newcastle - Actions have Konsaquences

Brighton 1 - 1 Fulham - Rodrigo 97th Muniz

Sunderland 3 - 0 West Ham - Sunbelievable return

Spurs 3 - 0 Burnley - John and Rich Charlie's sons get the win for Spurs.

Wolves 0 - 4 Man City - Cherki Nandos

Sunday 17th August

Chelsea 0 - 0 Crystal Palace - E-VAR-ybody hurts

Nottingham Forest 3 - 1 Brentford - Very Ndoye-able

Manchester United 0 - 1 Arsenal - Dear oh BayinDear

Monday 18th August

Leeds 1 - 0 Everton - Nmech-ado About Nothing

Thanks for reading! I'm going on holiday this week, finally fulfilling my fantasy of camping in France like a middle class private school boy. See you soon.