Match Weeks 2, 3 & Transfer Window

footyremarcs
Sep 9
3 min read

Welcome back to FootyReMarcs where we take football as seriously as Erik ten Hag takes having a job.

I am back from my holiday which consisted of catching a ferry to Calais and from there a 6 hour drive to Brittany. I was a passenger and had to raw dog this whole drive. Apparently Erling Haaland raw dogs flights and coach journeys to contribute to his elite mentality, whilst Casemiro just eats raw hot dogs. In my day, raw dogging a flight would see you sent to prison and put on a list.

London has been plunged into chaos as the TfL tube strikes are ongoing, making the tube lines look like David Cootes' refereeing schedule.

If we know one thing about Cootes its that he is fond of lines, just not tube lines.

An emergency test alert was sent to phones all across the UK on Sunday. Unfortunately the alert did not confirm that the England match against Serbia has been cancelled meaning we will all have to endure another dreary England performance.

A new Banksy artwork was unveiled and then quickly covered up at the Royal Courts of Justice in central London. Elusive and hardly ever seen, Kalvin Phillips marvelled at the work which shows a judge beating a protestor with a gavel before it was covered up by authorities.

BREAKING NEWS! Nuno Espirito Santo has been released by Mr Marinakis. Nuno was immediately taken Scotland Yard to give a witness statement on others being held against their will at Nottingham Forest.

It has now been confirmed that former Celtic and Spurs manager Ange Postecoglou will replace Nuno as Nottingham Forest manager, with Forest now being dubbed My Big Fat Greek Football Club.

The transfer window has closed! Lets take a look at some of the bigger deals:

Alexander Isak has joined Liverpool from Newcastle United after a saga akin to The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings Extended editions.
Arsenal have signed Eberiche Eze who was set to join Spurs in possibly the biggest hijack since D.B Cooper. The FBI are currently investigating.
Manchester City signed Donarumma from PSG with Ederson moving to Fenerbache. "What a catch" said Pep Guardiola about the Italian international, "and another one, and another one, and another one..."
Jack Grealish has moved to Everton on loan where he is flourishing. Unfortunately for him I've just transferred him into my FPL team which pretty much guarantees his form to drop.
Spurs have made big statement signings in Xavi Simons and Kolo Muani and possibly their best bit of transfer business, Daniel Levy has left!
Manchester United boosted their attack with the signings of Sesko, Mbuemo and Cunha leaving their team as top heavy as a Gervinho's head.
Chelsea have made a plethora (there's a word I've never written down before) of signing and sales, with more ins and outs than Bonnie Blue.

The last two Premier League game week results are below:

Friday 22nd August

West Ham 1 - 5 Chelsea - Joao Pedro Neto

Saturday 23rd August

Man City 0 - 2 Spurs - Kudus to Spurs

Bournemouth 1 - 0 Wolves - BourneMouth gobble the Wolves

Brentford 1 - 0 Aston Villa - Dango chasing waterfalls

Burnley 2 - 0 Sunderland - Walk in the Parker

Arsenal 5 - 0 Leeds - Viktory

Sunday 24th August

Crystal Palace 1 - 1 Nottingham Forest - It'Sarr right

Everton 2 - 0 Brighton - What the van Hecke?

Fulham 1 - 1 Manchester United - Bru-No! No no no no no no no. No! No! No no no no no no no. Not this fucking time. No fucking way! You've made me look a right cu-

Monday 25th August

Newcastle 2 - 3 Liverpool - WinniNgumoha

Saturday 30th August

Chelsea 2 - 0 Fulham - West London is blue

Manchester United 3 - 2 Burnley - Bru-Not missing this penalty!

Spurs 0 - 1 Bournemouth - BourneMouth Watering

Sunderland 2 - 1 Brentford - Show them the IsiDoor

Wolves 2 - 3 Everton - Mmmm Grealiscious

Leeds 0 - 0 Newcastle - Dominic Calvert-Lewdraw

Sunday 31st August

Brighton 2 - 1 Man City - Who da best? GruDa best

Nottingham Forest 0 - 3 West Ham - Mr Marinakis will see you now...