Matchweek 1

Welcome to the first Footy ReMarcs blog post! If you're reading this, thank you so much for being here, it means a lot to me. The aim is to sum up the Premier League fixtures and football news while giving you a laugh along the way, so enjoy.

Premier League football is back! Just in time to save our streets from right wing English men who can now direct their pent-up anger and aggression at 11 highly trained, mostly foreign athletes! "Thats another job of mine they've taken! I had trials at Orient, I could be playing if it wasn't for my dodgy knee and/or ankle", not to mention the beers, burgers, ciggies and cocaine. Someone should do a study on the rise civil unrest corresponding to the lack of Premier League football.

The Premier League kicked off in glorious style with goals, red cards and VAR calls galore! AND IT WAS SUNNY AS A PREMIER LEAGUE OPENING DAY SHOULD BE, a fact that was rammed down our throats by Jermaine Jenas on TNT Sports commentary.

Ajax of Manchester welcomed Arsenal of West London to Old Trafford for the seasons curtain raiser in a fiercely fought match. A debut goal from fresh signing Zirkzee gave Man United the victory in a match which saw Harry Maguire get his first yellow card of the season, for DIVING.

Title challengers Arsenal got off to a winning start against Wolves with a solid 2-0 victory. It's going to be difficult for Wolves to host Arsenal in the reverse fixture later this season as Gabriel Jesus and Kai Havertz both have restraining orders out on Mosquera after he groped one and assaulted the other. The Wolves coaching staff are said to be keeping Mosquera as far away from forward Hwang as possible.

It was announced by the PGMOL that Premier League referees will declare their club allegiances in a bid to remain transparent with the fans. This was quickly quashed as it became apparent that there would be no one to officiate Manchester United games.

Ivan Toney was left out of the Brentford squad to face Crystal Palace with manager Tomas Frank confirming that there is transfer interest in the player. I was certain he'd be in the Chelsea squad to face City later that day.

Round-up of the opening weekend fixtures below:

Friday 16th August

Manchester United 1 vs 0 Fulham - Zirkzee debut Delight!

Saturday 17th August

Ipswich 0 - 2 Liverpool - the Slot machine gets rolling.

Arsenal 2 - 0 Wolves - BY GAWD HAVERTZ IS BROKEN IN HALF!!

Everton 0 - 3 Brighton - M-m-m-myyy Mitoma.

Newcastle 1 - 0 Southampton - Love a red Schard.

Nottingham Forest 1 - 1 AFC Bournemouth - hope Danilo gets well soon.

West Ham 1 - 2 Aston Villa - Jhon Durán Durán!

Sunday 18th August

Brentford 2 - 1 Crystal Palace - muy bueno Mbeumo.

Chelsea 0 - 2 Manchester City - the bottomless wallet beats the blank cheque.

Monday 19th August

Leicester 1 - 1 Tottenham - Romero, Romero, where for art thou, Romero? Not marking Vardy, that's for sure.

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, please share it if you enjoyed! I am active on Threads throughout the week for more like below!! Give us a follow!