Matchweek 10

Hello and welcome back to Footy ReMarcs where I don't take football as seriously as I do song lyrics. Recently I learnt that the lyrics to 'What's My Age Again?' by Blink-182 are "I wore cologne to get the feeling right" and not "I walk along to get the feeling right" and my mind was blown. Next I'll probably learn that sweet dreams aren't made of cheese, and Mariah Carey isn't in love with Ken Lee Dibbi Dibba Da Doo.

Erik ten Hag was sacked as manager of Manchester United and was swiftly replaced by Ruben Amorim. Ten Hag was probably best known for saying "please" instead of "thank you", and his infamous "I am not Harry Potter" quote. His sacking ends his Manchester United career as well as my Erik ten Hag Harry Potter extracts. But luckily the Premier League still has 'The Master of the Dark Arts' Mikel Arteta which I can fictionalise! Goodbye Erik, we'll miss you.

Manchester City and Spain midfielder Rodri won this year's Ballon d'Or award. No Real Madrid players or representatives attended the star studded event in Paris, choosing instead to shun the ceremony like all upstanding role models who want to win the award should do. My 5-year-old shows more class and he laughs at fart jokes!

Arsenal Sporting Director and Invincible midfielder Edu has left the club and is rumoured to be joining Evangelos Marinakis' group of clubs which includes Premier League rivals Nottingham Forest. This will be a big blow to The Gunners who have already lost a spot in the top four to Forest! Rumours are circulating that Mikel Arteta will be part of the recruitment process to appoint a replacement and has already earmarked Barty Crouch Jr, Bellatrix Lestrange and Peter Pettigrew as potential Sporting Death Eaters I MEAN DIRECTORS.

News broke on Thursday that a man has been arrested on suspicion of stealing £300,000 worth of cheese. I suspect commentator Guy Mowbray but the only evidence I have are his cheesy lines. The police are said to gouda extra mile to catch the culprit but to me it couldn't brie more obvious. More on this one as the story matures.

So, Newcastle beat an uninspiring Arsenal, Bournemouth battled to beat Man City and Liverpool's comeback win against Brighton means they go back to the top of the table. Nottingham Forest surge into third place, Southampton got their first win of the season and Manchester United drew with Chelsea.

Weekend's results below!

Saturday 2nd November 

Newcastle 1 - 0 Arsenal - Isak-ctly what Newcastle needed.

Bournemouth 2 - 1 Man City - Bournemouth are Cook-ing!

Ipswich 1 - 1 Leicester - Mavad1d1.

Liverpool 2 - 1 Brighton - GravenTopOfThePerch.

Nottingham Forest 3 - 0 West Ham - Alva-red.

Southampton 1 - 0 Everton - N-n-now that that don't kill me can only make Armstronger.

Wolves 2 - 2 Crystal Palace - Guehi, schamone!

Sunday 3rd November 

Tottenham 4 - 1 Aston Villa - Youri Tielemans not hot.

Man United 1 - 1 Chelsea - Moises Caice-do you think open ketchup belongs in the fridge or the cupboard?

Monday 4th November 

Fulham 2 - 1 Brentford - WILSOOOOOON!

That's it for this week, please for reading. Remember to tell your intern, interior designer and Internet provider about the blog, follow us on Threads, subscribe on the homepage so I can stop posting this on WhatsApp and see you next week!