Matchweek 2

Welcome back to Footy ReMarcs! It's a bank holiday here in the UK, but that won't stop me from wrapping up the weekend's football. For those who don't know, a bank holiday is a day in which the majority of the United Kingdom, much like Jermaine Jenas, do not go to work.

I celebrated turning 35 years old this weekend, and it dawned on me that my football career is now well and truly over. The fact that it never even started is irrelevant. Anyway, 39 year old Cristiano Ronaldo launched a YouTube channel and gained 4 million subscribers in just 90 minutes! Coincidentally his compatriot Bruno Fernandes appealed to the referee 4 million times in 90 minutes against Brighton this weekend.

They say that only three things in life are guranteed. Well, I believe that there are four: death, taxes, J-Lo and Ben Affleck getting divorced, and Chelsea making another forward signing. Chelsea have signed Joao Felix and are said to be in the market for Jadon Sancho. They are that kid at school with all the shiny Pokémon cards, who sits in the corner hunched over, stroking their stack of cards, drooling, wondering why no-one wants to play with them and the shiny shiny cards their daddy bought them. Well if they don't want to play then FINE! I'll have all the cards to myself so no one can ever play again!

Man, you know I'm 35 when I can make Pokémon card references. Moving on, students in the UK received their GCSE results, and one young lad I hope did well is Jesse Lingard. I'm telling you that boy has a bright future ahead of him.

The PFA Awards and Team of the Season were announced, with many in uproar at Cole Palmer's omission from the Team of the Season. The only thing more disappointed than Palmer was Jermaine Jenas' dog. Palmer did take home the PFA Young Player of the Year award, putting him amongst previous prestigious winners to achieve greatness such as Tony Adams, Michael Owen, Wayne Rooney, Gareth Bale, Phil Foden...aaand Andy Gray and Jermaine Jenas.

Brighton beat Manchester United in the first game of the weekend with a late winner from Joao Pedro. Joshua Zirkzee who scored on his debut last week scored in this match, only for it to be ruled offside even though Garnacho's shot was already going in! Haaland bagged his first hattrick of the season in a 4 - 1 rout against newly promoted Ipswich Town causing FPL players everywhere to spontaneously ejaculate. Arsenal beat Villa 0 - 2 with the main highlight being Ben White booting the ball at John McGinn in retribution. And Chelsea put six past woeful Wolves with Cole Palmers cheeky chip the pick of the bunch.

The weekends results are below!!

Saturday 24th August

Brighton 2 - 1 Manchester United - Alejandro GarNotYaGoal.

Crystal Palace 0 - 2 West Ham - Kudus to West Ham.

Fulham 2 - 1 Leicester - Staring relegation in the Faes.

Manchester City 4 -1 Ipswich - Ip-switched off after 3-1.

Southampton 0 - 1 Nottingham Forest - Gibbs-White gibbs Forest the win.

Tottenham 4 - 0 Everton - Conceding Ever-tons!

Aston Villa 0 - 2 Arsenal - Ben White Knight in shining armour.

Sunday 25th August

Bournemouth 1 - 1 Newcastle - Bournemouth Burn-ed by VAR.

Wolves 2 - 6 Chelsea - A Song of Fire and Cold.

Liverpool 2 - 0 Brentford - Diaz mio!

That's it for this week, apologies for the unsolicited Jermaine Jenas references in this post. Nethertheless I hope you enjoyed it and that you will join me next week to wrap up more Premier League action, football news and TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY! How many more shiny shiny cards will daddy buy for Chelsea?

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