Matchweek 3

Welcome back to Footy ReMarcs, where unlike Everton fans we don't take football too seriously. Another week, another Arsenal related cover image. Controversy seems to follow them around like Peter Odemwingie does QPR. This week I'll wrap up the news, Premier League action, as well as some of the 100% genuine stories from Transfer Deadline Day!

News of a long awaited reunion in Manchester sent the world into meltdown last week. They said it might never happen, but it did. Bridges thought to be long burnt to a crisp have been restored. Rumours are it took only a couple of phone calls and a cheeky fax, but Gundogan has re-signed with Manchester City! Why, what reunion did you think I was on about? Maybe he's gonna be the one that saves their season. And after all, he's good in a 4 man wall.

Lee Carsley named his first England squad with notable call ups for Angel Gomes, Tino Liveramento, and Noni Madueke. Meanwhile Kieran Trippier announced his retirement from international duty, but said he'd be more than happy to continue at left back.

Transfer Deadline Day Stories:

• Chelsea added Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak to their scouting network in their bid to catch 'em all. Between them they caught a wild Jadon Sancho on Deadline Day.

• Deadline Day saw Ajax block all calls from Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Erik Ten Hag and anything with the area code 0161. Dan Ashworth and Ruud Van Nistelrooy were rumoured to be frantically trying to figure out the fax machine.

• Fulham sealed a late deal, beating Ipswich to the loan signing of Reiss Nelson and cementing Fulham's status as the Arsenal of West London.

• Darwin Nunez's move to Arsenal fell through after the Liverpool striker was due to be on the 17:43 train from Liverpool to London but he missed it.

• Raheem Sterling's arrival at Arsenal has seen club legend Gunnersaurus hand in a transfer request. The dinosaur was seen leaving the Sobha Realty Training Centre in his car (electric) and is quoted as saying "There's only room for one T-Rex running around the Emirates". More on this story as it evolves.

The Premier League kicked off with Arsenal earning a hard fought draw against referee Chris Kavanagh, Bournemouth came back from 2 - 0 down to beat Everton 2 - 3 after two injury time goals, Crystal Palace earned a draw against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, and apparently Erik Ten Hag is not Harry Potter. Do I even need mention Haaland scoring a hattrick? It's not even news anymore.

Weekends results below!

Saturday 31st August

Arsenal 1 - 1 Brighton - Caliafurious!

Brentford 3 - 1 Southampton - Flekken hell!

Everton 2 - 3 Bournemouth - Bournemouth Cook in injury time.

Ipswich 1 - 1 Fulham - Try and Traore again.

Leicester 1 - 2 Aston Villa - Another game Leicester wish they could Skipp.

Nottingham Forest 1 - 1 Wolves - You alright hun? Your Mosqueras running.

West Ham 1 - 3 Man City - Ha haa land.

Sunday 1st September

Chelsea 1 - 1 Crystal Palace - Chelsea caught in the Mud-ryk.

Newcastle 2 - 1 Tottenham - Tottenham Hot-spurners of chances.

Man United 0 - 3 Liverpool - Erik Ten Hag wishing he could cast Obliviate and forget that, but he can't because he is not Harry Potter!

That's it for this week, thanks for reading. Don't forget to tell your butcher, barista and barrister about the blog, it helps massively. You can also subscribe on the home page towards the bottom (cheeky). Don't forget to follow me on Threads, and please dear God PLEASE DON'T FORGET THAT ERIK TEN HAG IS NOT HARRY POTTER! It's an international break, so I will also be taking a break. See you in a few weeks time.