Matchweek 35

Welcome back to FootyReMarcs where we take football as seriously as the question 'who would win in a fight between 100 humans and a gorilla'. The answer is the gorilla. The plot twist - IT WAS HARAMBE'S SON OUT FOR REVENGE! JUSTICE FOR HARAMBE!!!

Scientists recorded seismic tremors as Liverpool beat Tottenham to win the league. It was first thought that the tremors were triggered by Tottenham rolling over, but further investigations determined that the tremors emanated from the fans in the stands who were jubilantly celebrating being beaten by Liverpool putting a stop to Arsenal's title hopes for good.

Arsenal crashed out of the Champions League losing the semi final tie 3-1 on aggregate to PSG. Riccardo Calafiori is said to be severely disappointed and outraged that he missed the Met Gala for the tie. Tottenham, Manchester United and Chelsea could all secure a spot in a European final which goes to show that a turd or three can indeed be polished.

Cardinals returned for day two of conclave as they look to elect the next Pope. Newcastle are said to resist any approach from the Vatican for the England international goalkeeper.

Star Wars day was celebrated as it always is on May the 4th. Arsenal must be big fans as they do their best to drop from second to finish fourth in the league.

A New GTA 6 trailer was released as Rockstar Games announced that the game has been pushed back to May 2026. This would make it 13 years between GTA games with GTA V being released in 2013 when Manchester United last won the league, and Manchester City were beaten by Wigan in the FA Cup final. GTA San Andreas was released the same year Arsenal last won a league title, and Tetris wasn't even invented when Spurs last won the league!

Premier League results below!

Friday 2nd May

Man City 1 - 0 Wolves - De Bruyne Deffo De Best in De World.

Saturday 3rd May

Aston Villa 1 - 0 Fulham - TieleMalens.

Everton 2 - 2 Ipswich - Everybodyyyyy Hirst sometimes.

Leicester 2 - 0 Southampton - Ayew alright ref?

Arsenal 1 - 2 Bournemouth - Elbownilson.

Sunday May the 4th be with you

Brentford 4 - 3 Manchester United - Luke SkyShawker.

Brighton 1 - 1 Newcastle - Han SolO' Riley.

West Ham 1 - 1 Tottenham - Obi Wan-Bissaka.

Chelsea 3 - 1 Liverpool - ChaloBoba Fett.

Monday 5th May

Crystal Palace 1 - 1 Nottingham Forest - Eze E, Ice Cube & D.O.C.

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