Matchweek 5

It was just your average Premier League weekend with no controversies. Vicario didn't handle the ball outiside the area, Fofana didn't pull Summerville down in the area, and Martinez kept his third leg firmly planted in a reckless two footed challenge.

The refereeing and the use of VAR in the Premier League has become farsical at this point. If these guys were in charge UK Customs then Jay Emmanuel-Thomas would be selling cannabis to schoolkids right at this moment. Is it a coincidence that Michael Oliver is an anagram of Me All Over, Ichi? I think not. And it begs the question, who the hell is Ichi?!

OK, ref rant over.

This week millions in the UK witnessed a truly amazing lunar eclipse and supermoon, except for every Premier League referee. Weird that.

The Emmy's took place early in the week, with The Bear taking home the majority of awards for a comedy programme. This prompted many to question if Premier League referees were in charge of nominations because The Bear is obviously not a comedy and anybody who has seen it would know that.

OK, ref rant actually over.

Pep Guardiola and Manchester City have accused Arsenal of employing the "dark arts" after the titanic 2 - 2 draw on Sunday. At that moment, young Erik Ten Hag sat up in his bed in the cupboard under the stairs. His bald head began to throb intensely as he rubbed the football scar on his forehead. Deep in his skull, a distant, gravelled voice whispered "Yer a manager Erik, and a bloody shit one at that".

Weekends results below.

Saturday 21st September

West Ham 0 - 3 Chelsea - Claret and BOOOOOOOO.

Aston Villa 3 - 1 Wolves - Wolves tamed.

Fulham 3 - 1 Newcastle - Raul Jimmense.

Leicester 1 - 1 Everton - You Ndiye, we're like diamonds in the sky.

Liverpool 3 - 0 Bournemouth - Is he really a GoalKepa?

Southampton 1 - 1 Ipswich - Jo AriDo'h!

Tottenham 3 - 1 Brentford - I said Ajer gonna be my girl?

Crystal Palace 0 - 0 Manchester United - Alejandro Gar-Not your day.

Sunday 22nd September

Brighton 2 - 2 Nottingham Forest - Now I'm a Beleba.

Man City 2 - 2 Arsenal - Pep was CalaFurious

Completely unrelated but if anyone has any numbers for weed dealers send them over, my guy isn't answering his phone.

That's it for this week, like the Leicester Everton game I am under the weather. Don't forget to share, tell your dog walker, dietician and dentist. Follow us on Threads, subscribe on the homepage, and see you next week.