Matchweek 6

Welcome back to FootyReMarcs, coming to you on a Tuesday as we had to wait for the Monumental Monday Night Titanic Blockbuster Battle between Bournemouth vs Southampton. Unlike The Crow remake it was worth the watch.

Series fifteen of The Great British Bake Off got underway, competing with Match of the Day for viewing figures this Autumn. Despite a long history of soggy bottoms, many half baked ideas, poor judgements and aging presenters Match of the Day are said to be confident of winning any ratings war.

The latest video game in The Legend of Zelda franchise was released on the Nintendo Switch. This makes it seven Legend of Zelda games since Spurs last won a trophy, the illustrious League Cup of '08. The last time Spurs won the FA Cup The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past was released on Super Nintendo. The last time Spurs won the league The Legend of Zelda creator Shigeru Miyamoto was 9 years old. He's now 71.

Last week the world was rocked by the death of beloved acting legend and British National Treasure Maggie Smith. Maggie was probably best known for her role as the sharp mouthed Professor McGonagall in the Harry Potter film series...

At this, young Erik ten Hag sat up in is four-poster bed, the snake-like whispers of his nightmare echoing..."sacked in the morning, you're getting sacked in the morning"...

He looked over, relieved to see his bestest best friend Ruud Van Nistelrooy snoring steadily. He rose g̶i̶n̶g̶e̶r̶l̶y̶ baldly and tiptoed out of the dormitory, heading towards Pep Guardiola's office. He had much to discuss with the Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor.

As he was sneaking through the corridor, the House Elf Bruno Fernandes two foot twatted him in the shin and ran away, snivelling as he did. Onana tried to catch Erik as he fell, but of course he couldn't, for he could not catch a cold in a walk-in freezer.

Thus ends this extract of Erik ten Hag and the Theatre of Nightmares.

It was a great week for Chelsea with Cole Palmer scoring four in the first half against Brighton, Everton got their first win of the season against Crystal Palace, Arsenal left it late to overcome struggling Leicester, and Man City were held to a draw at Newcastle. What's black and white and red all over? An Arsenal fan cheering on Newcastle!

Weekend's results below:

Saturday 28th September

Newcastle 1 - 1 Man City - Gordon Bennett.

Arsenal 4 - 2 Leicester - Justin-Credible strike.

Brentford 1 - 1 West Ham - M-BOOOOOM-o.

Chelsea 4 - 2 Brighton - Palm-er-ed aside!

Everton 2 - 1 Crystal Palace - Dwight McSauce.

Nottingham Forest 0 - 1 Fulham - Not-a penalty-ingham Forest.

Wolves 1 - 2 Liverpool - The Reds take top Slott.

Sunday 29th September

Ipswich 2 - 2 Aston Villa - Delapful!

Man United 0 - 3 Tottenham - Ugarte be kidding me.

Monday 30th September

Bournemouth 3 - 1 Southampton - Tavernier, Taverfar, Taver-wherever you aaaaaare.

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