Matchweek 7

Hello and welcome back to FootyReMarcs! I woke up last Monday with a slight pain just below my right shoulder. As a 35-year old man I knew what I was in for. Below is from my very personal diary.

Monday 30th September - slight pain, but manageable.

Tuesday 1st October - pain has slightly increased. I have cancelled all social engagements for the next fortnight.

Wednesday 2nd October - apparently the GP cannot prescribe morphine.

Thursday 3rd October - today my son saw me cry for the first time.

Friday 5th October - I am having to dictate this entry as I cannot move my upper body. I have not eaten or drank for ate hours. Dictation on this device cannot seem to distinguish between the number ate and the verb eight. Puck. No, puck. PUCK! WHAT THE PUCK JUST PUCKING WRITE PUCK YOU PUCKING PIECE OF SHED!

Anyway, back to football. The Champions League was back as Lille secured a huge win against Real Madrid, and Prince William was at Villa Park to watch Aston Villa beat Bayern Munich. Other famous Villa fans include David Cameron, Ozzy Osbourne, and David Bradley, best known for his role as Argus Filch in the Harry Potter film franchise...

At this, young Erik ten Hag blinked the dust from his eyes. His vision was blurry from the grit, and the glow from his slabhead Patronus was almost blinding, like the sun reflecting off of his own head.

His Patronus had done it, Erik would be staying at the Theatre of Nightmares for a while longer despite the efforts of the house elf Fernandes.

Garnacho, the fair haired Argentine with cheekbones up to his tear ducts, trundled over to ten Hag, a look of cold indifference in his eyes. He raised one weirdly shaven eyebrow as he muttered the word "Siu".

Just then Van Nistelrooy came to stand beside his bestest best buddy ten Hag as he shouted at Garnacho "How dare you stand where he stood! You will never be Cristiano!"

Suddenly, ten Hag's slabhead Patronus dissipated and left the three of them alone in the dark field. A cold, sinking feeling coiled inside ten Hag like a Titan submersible imploding. He was safe for two weeks at least, but... then what?

Thus ends this chapter of Erik ten Hag and the Half-Blood Prince-Boateng.

Anyway, back to football. Another week, another early goal for Brentford. I haven't seen finishing this quick since my early uni days...

Anyway, back to football, and speaking of streaks Newcastle were awarded a penalty for the third Premier League match in a row. Unfortunately, just like my latter uni days, Gordon was unable to score, finally giving Everton fans something to cheer about. Liverpool, Arsenal and Man City all secured victories as the fight for the title rolls on, West Ham got their first win at home under Lopetegui, and Spurs spursed.

Weekend's results below.

Saturday 5th October

Crystal Palace 0 - 1 Liverpool - Arne-stoppable.

Arsenal 3 - 1 Southampton - Gabriel VARtinelli.

Brentford 5 - 3 Wolves - There's Nouri Wolves are staying up.

Leicester 1 - 0 Bournemouth - And they caaaaaalllllll it a Buonanotteeeeeee.

Man City 3 - 2 Fulham - Jimenez with the assist of the season so far.

West Ham 4 - 1 Ipswich - Lopeteg-we want 5!

Everton 0 - 0 Newcastle - Toffees prove sticky.

Sunday 6th October

Aston Villa 0 - 0 Man Utd - Erik ten more years!!

Chelsea 1 - 1 Nottingham Forest - James Red-Prowse

Brighton 3 - 2 Tottenham - Rutter comeback!

That's it for this week and next as we head into an international break. I'll spend the time recuperating and deliberating if P Diddy even had a banger of a song anyway. Remember to like and share if you enjoy, tell your father, financier and funeral director. Subscribe on the homepage, follow me on Threads and peace out!