Matchweek 9

Hello and welcome back to FootyReMarcs where, like Manchester United's owners we don't take football too seriously. It is currently 08:07 on Monday 28th October as I am writing this and ten Hag still has a job.

The King was heckled in Australia by an indigenous Australian senator, who was heard shouting "Not my King". I have reached out to Thierry Henry who confirmed that he was not in Australia at all. More on this as it develops.

News broke in the week that Manchester United asked their local rivals Manchester City if players Kobbie Mainoo and Alejandro Garnacho could hitch a ride on the City jet to the Ballon d'Or ceremony in Paris. This has lead many to question why Manchester United players are going to the ceremony.

There were more refereeing incidents to digest as West Ham were awarded a soft penalty against Manchester United, but more frustratingly no Arsenal player was sent off this week. WHERE IS THE CONSISTENCY?!

It is 08:25 and ten Hag still has a job.

The match of the weekend took place on Saturday as Brentford welcomed Ipswich Town to West London. Brentford were 2-0 down after 31 minutes and secured a famous comeback eventually winning the match 4-3. It was an eventful game for Ipswich's Harry Clarke who bundled the ball into his own net, gave away a penalty and received a second yellow card for a foul on Potter...

At this, young Erik ten Hag opened his eyes and was met by a blinding white light. As his eyes adjusted, he realised that he was sitting on a bench in Manchester Piccadilly Train Station, only all colour was gone and the details of the station were blurry and impossible to make out.

"De' fuck was da?" a gruff Scottish voice said to his left. He looked over and saw Sir Alex Ferguson sitting on the bench next to him, fervently chewing gum. "Ya need ta be better Erik".

"Am...am I dead, Sir?" Erik replied, feeling strangely at ease with the prospect.

"Not yet, but ya will be if ya dunnae improve" Ferguson replied between chews.

"But...but what if I cant? What if I'm just not good enough?" said Erik.

"Aye, well then you'll end up like these wee fellas." and Ferguson pointed underneath the bench on which they sat. There Erik saw the gaunt curled up figures of David Moyes and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, lying in the foetal position, whimpering softly.

"JESUS...what happened to them Sir?" Erik asked in horror.

"The job, laddy, the job." and he stared wistfully at nothing for a moment, the only movement was the gnash of his jaw and the only sound the heinous moist mastication. "They were both the chosen ones, but they werna good enough, but you...you could be"

"Really? You really believe in me Sir?" Erik asked. For the first time since being in this dreamscape Erik felt a rush of emotion. Was it pride? Hope?...Love?

"Get tae fuck, of course not" Ferguson replied, and with that all went black...

Thus ends this extract of Erik ten Hag and the Goblet of Getting Fired.

It is 08:40 and ten Hag still has a job.

Liverpool faced their first real test of the season as they drew away at Arsenal, Cole Palmer shined as Chelsea beat Newcastle and Man city just about got the job done beating struggling Southampton and moving to the top of the table

The weekend's spooooooky Halloween results below: 

Friday 25th October 

Leicester 1 - 3 Nottingham Forest - The Cabin in the Chris Woods.

Saturday 26th October 

Aston Villa 1 - 1 Bournemouth - John McPumpkGinn.

Brentford 4 - 3 Ipswich - Brian MBOO!mo.

Brighton 2 - 2 Wolves - James Killner.

Man City 1- 0 Southampton - Josko GvardiGhoul 

Everton 1 - 1 Fulham - Abdoulaye Draculoure 

Sunday 27th October 

Chelsea 2 - 1 Newcastle - Dan Burn in hell!

Crystal Palace 1 - 0 Tottenham - Rodrigo BentanCursed.

West Ham 2 - 1 Manchester United - I Know What You Did Last Summerville.

Arsenal 2 - 2 Liverpool - Texas Chainsaw Mac Allister.

It is 08:57 and ten Hag still has a job.

That's all for this week, thanks for reading! Remember to tell your husband, hairdresser and human resources manager about the blog, follow us on Threads and see you next week...maybe not Erik though.