Matchweeks 21 & 22

Hello and welcome back to Footy ReMarcs where we take football as seriously as America takes electing leaders. I hope this post gives you a smile on this bleak day.

UK Prime Minister Kier Starmer says artificial intelligence is the "defining opportunity" of our generation, as he sets out plans to use the technology to boost growth. Some are worried that AI will leave thousands jobless, but I'm not worried, look at this:

Unbelievable! Those are not the fixtures, Kane doesn't play for Spurs, Sheffield United aren't in the Premier League, Erik ten Hag has been sacked, and there is no way Spurs could beat Sheffield United.

Erling Haaland signed a bumper new deal at Manchester City which will keep him at the club until 2034. I'm no conspiracy theorist but 2034 - 115 = 1919, a year in which football was not played in Britain due to World War 1, ergo Manchester City will not be playing football at all, and you can quote me on that The Athletic! That, or we are about to head into World War 3.

Spurs triggered a one year contract extension for Son Heung-min ensuring that the South Korean will end his career trophy-less. Speaking of trophy-less, Arsenal crashed out of the FA Cup after losing to an inspired ten man Manchester United on penalties, and losing the first leg of the League Cup semi final to Newcastle United. It's a vintage Arsenal January collapse!

An effort to recapture a number of lynx released into the Scottish highlands is underway. It is said the lynx were released on Boxing Day and were in the possession of a loofah and shower gel when caught. Those captured have been named Africa, Dark Temptation and Attract and will be up for adoption in December this year.

The Metropolitan Police have launched an urgent appeal and are offering a substantial reward for any information on the whereabouts of Pedro Porro's ankles.

Nintendo confirmed rumours of a Nintendo Switch 2 console to be released. The Nintendo DSi was the hit Nintendo console the last time Spurs won a trophy.

Man, catching all this stick is about all Spurs keeper Kinsky can catch.

Everton sacked manager Sean Dyche hours before an FA Cup tie. Dyche has since been replaced by former Everton Manager David Moyes. Despite thousands of phone calls Manuel Fellaini could not be persuaded to come out of retirement and link up with Moyesey for the third time.

West Ham sacked manager Julien Lopetegui after six months in charge and replaced him with former Brighton and Chelsea manager Graham Potter...

"Potter!" spat Arteta, the Master of the Dark Arts. "I thought I was rid of you." Arteta beckoned to his set piece coach. "Jover, my loyal subject, dream me up some...devilish, something dastardly, something that will devour and disturb teams everywhere."

Jover bowed and departed, leaving his master stroking Win The Dog who was sat panting at his side.

Arteta rose and walked towards the training pitch. Despite the blustering winds and rain his hair remained intact and dry. "Leo" He called, and the pale sullen, smackhead face of Leandro Trossard turned to meet him. "Ah, I see you have horcruxed Pedro Porro's pride after humiliating him on the pitch. This pleases me". Trossard held up the invisible binoculars which now held the Pride of Porro. "Keep it safe, we will need it"

Trossard didn't reply, the screech of Big Gabby's calls the only sound that could be heard. He nodded and returned to training.

Next was Dinamo Zagreb, Arteta thought, an opponent not to be taken lightly. Behind The Master of the Dark Arts, in a cauldron so black that John Terry is said to avoid it, bubbled a brew that Arteta hoped would change the course of Arsenal's season. A vat of João Félix Felicis which he would use to get Stan Kroenke to buy him another defender, for who needs a striker to score goals when you can have more defenders?

Thus ends this chapter of 'Graham Potter and the Goblet of Fired Managers'.

Lots and lots of fixtures to get through, results and non-AI puns below!

Tuesday 14th January

Brentford 2 - 2 Man City - BrentFoden.

Chelsea 2 - 2 Bournemouth - Naaaaants Semenyo bagithi baba.

West Ham 3 - 2 Fulham - The Ham of the West defeats the Ham of the Full.

Nottingham Forest 1 - 1 Liverpool - Wood you start to believe?

Wednesday 15th January

Everton 0 - 1 Aston Villa - Moyes of the same.

Leicester 0 - 2 Crystal Palace - Buona-Not staying up.

Newcastle 3 - 0 Wolves - Magpies feast on wolf corpse.

Arsenal 2 - 1 Spurs - A red sun rises. Spurs blood as been spilled this night.

Thursday 16th January

Ipswich 0 - 2 Brighton - Dara O'sheeeet.

Manchester United 3 - 1 Southampton - Diallo on Amad one!

Saturday 18th January

Newcastle 1 - 4 Bournemouth - Hattrick Kluivert.

Brentford 0 - 2 Liverpool - Darwin Twoñez.

Leicester 0 - 2 Fulham - Red leicester and ham.

West Ham 0 - 2 Crystal Palace - Konstantinos Mavropants.

Arsenal 2 - 2 Aston Villa - Matty Cash & carry.

Sunday 19th January

Everton 3 - 2 Tottenham - Gray day.

Manchester United 1 - 3 Brighton - How does a Mancunian describe toothpaste? Minteh.

Nottingham Forest 3 - 2 Southampton - The ham that is not in a forest defeats the southern most ham.

Ipswich 0 - 6 Man City - Man Six-ty.

Monday 20th January

Chelsea 3 - 1 Wolves - TosIn the back of the net!

Thanks for reading and join us next week to see if Ange Postecoglou still has a job. Don't forget to tell your podiatrist, pharmacists and personal trainer about the blog, follow us on Threads and on BlueSky, subscribe on the homepage for God's sake, and see you thanks bye!