Matchweeks 30 & 31

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Astronauts who were stranded in space for nine months are now safely back on earth. Speaking for the first time since returning they commented on the most spectacular things that they had seen whilst in space which included a spherical object with the image of a leaping cat on it flying past.

Everyone in the UK will see a rise in energy bills this year. Manchester United staff are particularly worried about Casemiro who runs out of energy while warming up on the sidelines and is set to cost the club billions to keep running.

The world has been going mad for Dubai chocolate, a chocolate bar filled with creamy pistachio and tahini paste. Costing a fortune and offering nothing substantial, many Man City fans were happy that Khusanov didn't start the Manchester Derby on Sunday.

The BBC reported that the mysterious force called Dark Energy, which drives the expansion of the Universe, might be changing in a way that challenges our current understanding of time and space. Premier League Referree Darren England, an avid amateur scientist, decided to experiment with this during the 1-1 draw between Everton and Arsenal where he blew the whistle for full time, only to defy the laws of time, space and the game by allowing the game to continue.

Popular US sitcom Malcolm in the Middle is set to return for a four-episode special on Disney+ but Erik Per Sullivan, who played Dewey, will not return because he is no longer an actor. Reports that De Bruyne is leaving Man City to pursue a career in acting are doing the rounds. I personally would love to see Malcom in the middle with De Bruyne just ahead in attacking midfield.

WH Smith, a staple of UK town centres since the Victorian era is set to disappear from high streets after the firm agreed to sell its shops to Hobbycraft-owner Modella Capital. James Milner fondly recalled attending the opening of the very first shop all those years ago.

There have been multiple sightings of Manchester Unuted captain Bruno Fernandes and vice captain Lisandro Martinez in Birmingham over the past few weeks. Both players strongly denied any links of a move away from their current club, and further investigation revealed that those who spotted the pair had mistook the Premier League stars for the rampant rats caused by the local bin strikes.

Lots of Premier League results below!

Tuesday 1st April

Arsenal 2 - 1 Fulham - Full ham strung.

Wolves 1 - 0 West Ham - Strand old time.

Nottingham Forest 1 - 0 Manchester United - Don't look back Elanga.

Wednesday 2nd April

Bournemouth 1 - 2 Ipswich - Conor TownsEnd to a losing streak.

Brighton 0 - 3 Aston Villa - Marcos Rasensioford.

Man City 2 - 0 Leicester - Omar Marmoushka marmoushka marmouska-yaya.

Newcastle 2 - 1 Brentford - That was Tonali wicked!

Southampton 1 - 1 Crystal Palace - Matheus Franca Manca.

Liverpool 1 - 0 Everton - Take your Jota.

Thursday 3rd April

Chelsea 1 - 0 Tottenham - Enzo it begins.

Saturday 5th April

Everton 1 - 1 Arsenal - They think it's all over...it is now! Oh, no. Wait, no it isnt. The referee is saying keep playing even though he's blown the whistle for full time!

Crystal Palace 2 - 1 Brighton - You know it's truuuuue, we're red cards and bluuuuuuue.

Ipswich 1 - 2 Wolves - Cajuste couldn't hold on.

West Ham 2 - 2 Bournemouth - You never go Fullkrug.

Aston Villa 2 - 1 Nottingham Forest - Cut down the forest to build a villa.

Sunday 6th April

Brentford 0 - 0 Chelsea - West London is boring.

Fulham 3 - 2 Liverpool - Sessegnonwards and upwards!

Tottenham 3 - 1 Southampton - SouthampGone.

Manchester United 0 - 0 Man City - Manchester is boring.

Monday 7th April

Leicester 0 - 3 Newcastle - Jacob MurThree nil.

That's it for this wee, thanks for reading. Remember to vet, venetian blind maker and valet about the blog, follow us on Threads & BlueSky and see you next week!